Why I Do Not Have Custody

Disclaimer: As part of my commitment not to disparage the children's father, I will omit and gloss over some facts and details but I will attempt to tell the story as accurately as I possibly can. The events that transpired can only be rationalized as fate because at every turn, a different decision could have changed the entire outcome. I often question why God allowed this to happen, but my faith is strong and I believe that God has a plan that we do not understand.


When I filed for divorce in 2015, I asked for full custody with the father having every other weekend, and one night a week. I was conditioned to believe that this was a standard custody arrangement, because this is what society teaches us is the standard custodial arrangement. I was unhappy in the marriage, but divorce was never a serious option. It did cross my mind, but I don't think I would have ever gone through with it. I truly believe that we would have overcame the bumps in our marriage and still be married today had he chosen a different path in reacting to a situation that occurred. One night we had a small fight, but the decision that he made that night prompted me to file for divorce the next morning. Filing for divorce was a decision made in a moment of passion, and I had no real plan.

I was a stay at home mother for our entire marriage, and did not work until 1.5 months before we divorced. I trusted my husband to control our finances entirely. He paid all of the bills. When I wanted money, I would just ask him for some. We did not even have a joint bank account. I only started working a month and a half before filing for divorce because I was extremely unhappy and saw working as a possible reprieve. At the time, I had a 1.5 year old and an 11 month old who had just been diagnosed as developmentally delayed. With my first pregnancy came a cancer scare, and with the second Parvovirus. I spent a collective 18 months of my young marriage staring at the 4 walls of my bedroom because I was on bedrest. The stress coupled with unhappiness was a lot to handle.

As Jews living in a Jewish community, we lived a very tradition lifestyle with clearly assigned gender roles. In our home, he left the house at 6am to work, and returned in the evening. I cooked, cleaned, and was responsible for child rearing. The women in my community who do work, work jobs that enable them to prioritize their roles as homemakers such as teachers, and therapists. Mothers are responsible for the children's socialization and wellbeing, and most fathers are not involved in the day to day care of children. We do not view this as a negative, but rather understand that our roles complement each other.  The PTA is called the Ladies Auxiliary, because fathers are not expected to be involved. Before the divorce, the children's father never even went to a single pediatricians appointment but I never asked or expected him to, because I understood that this was my role, and not his.

After I filed, he retained separate counsel. We tried to reconcile with the help of a Rabbi, and he was 99% successful, but then he left the room to allow us to rekindle the spark. I was expecting my husband to take me in his arms, swoop me off my feet, look into my eyes, and tell me that we will get through this. I was ready to recommit to my marriage with full gusto, but my husbands passive unemotional response caused me to back out of the reconciliation and the divorce commenced.

I was completely unprepared for a contentious divorce, or the wolves I would encounter along my journey. I chose my original attorney without much thought, because I believed it would be a quick process. I did not know that I could be eligible for free counsel. I did not know anything. I naively trusted those around me. When my husband contested, I was surprised and confused. I assumed that we would continue fulfilling our gender roles after divorce. I assumed that we would continue to live as we had been living. I assumed that since I was the primary caretaker, I would continue to be the primary caretaker. I was in for a rude awakening and a huge learning experience.

He took an extremely aggressive legal stance. That's when the motions started coming. Motion after motion, accusation after accusation. The legal bills quickly got out of control. I was accused of everything under the sun, and spent an exorbitant amount on legal fees just to deal with the accusations. I tried to retort, but I was no match for him and continuously lost. In the 3 year ordeal, CPS was involved, restraining orders on both sides occurred, police were involved numerous times, as well as serious criminal allegations. I was being attacked from every direction- socially, legally, financially, psychologically. I was a gentle person, and unprepared for war.

I was drowning. Bad people saw how vulnerable I was and took advantage. They put me in situations that were detrimental to my case because they did not truly care about me. A woman that I had met shortly after my separation convinced me to switch to using a lawyer she endorsed. Only recently I came to know her true role in the destruction of my life, but at the time I trusted her. I temporarily lost my support system due to the divorce, and did not have my real friends to turn to for solace or advice, so I was ripe for abuse.

Less than a year in, I decided to compromise in hopes the attacks would cease. I gave him Friday night-Sunday night and a Wednesday night dinner, essentially giving him 50/50. He wanted the children to alternate every other night but I felt that would be stressful for the children, so I opted to give him a block of time instead. When I realized the schedule was not working, I tried to change it but it was too late. I learned my first lesson of Family Court- once you give something, it's very hard to get it back. The childrens father was unwilling to compromise, so I borrowed $2500 to pay my lawyer to file an emergency motion to change the schedule. Our judge moved to a different court, and we did not have a standing judge. The judge that saw us would not change the schedule because she claimed she did not know the case and could not make an informed decision. I ended up giving up Wednesday overnights for one Sunday per month. I did not have a single Sabbath with my children for 2 years because of this. Sitting at home alone on the Sabbath, as I watched families celebrate through the window was gut wrenching. Eventually I grew to resent the Sabbath because it was a painful reminder of my situation and I stopped observing it, which was used against me in court.

Our case never reached trial, but the attacks came full force for 3 years. In those 3 years, I had approximately 700 email threads pertaining to the divorce (either to/from him, or to/from my legal counsel), with each thread having approximately 5-10 back and forth emails. There are 1025 days in 3 years, and in that time between 3,875 and 7,750 emails were exchanged. Needless to say, I was exhausted.

A new judge was finally assigned to our case, and to her credit she was absolutely amazing. She even stepped off her bench and tried to reason with us face-to-face. I was willing to do whatever it takes at that point because I knew that a trial could potentially last for years, and I just wanted the nightmare to end. I asked for 50/50 custody with every other weekend and 2 days a week. He asked for full custody, with me receiving visitation a few days a month. I refused to accept that. Once you are in custody proceedings, you will automatically go to trial if you cannot agree. The judge cannot make a decision without hearing all sides of the story as well as reviewing evidence. I would have to take the stand, be questioned by his lawyer, my lawyer, and then his lawyer could counter-question, and then he would take the stand, and so on and so forth. I was bankrupt, emotionally drained, and felt broken at this point. I could not stand a single second more of it.

At the last pre-trial conference, the judge attempted to reason with us one more time. He would not budge, and I could not settle for seeing my children a few days a month after being the primary caretaker their entire life. Up until this point, I had maintained primary caretaker status, regardless of my struggles due to the stress that came with divorce. The judge sighed and said that we should pick trial dates.

I was sitting in the defendant seat, and I decided to stand up and speak out of turn. My lawyer seethed and told me to sit. I refused. I asked the judge if she would allow us to settle if I was willing to take one less day a week and give him all of the decision making power. I did not care about anything besides seeing my children as much as possible. She paused for a moment before saying yes. The courtroom erupted. Him and his 3 lawyers vehemently objected. They said that she could not do that. She couldn't, but she could make him pay every penny of the trial she informed him. He had no choice but to take the deal.

That day I became a non-custodial mother. I gave up on thousands of dollars in child support and maintenance that I would have continued to receive during a trial. I did not care about the money. I gave up on all decision making power. I did not care about power. Our values aligned, and I agreed with his big decisions (school, medical, camp, religion). I gave up 57% of the time with my children (we have 57/43 and 50/50 on holidays, alternating years). I signed an extremely biased and unfair agreement while my lawyer stood over me pressuring me to hurry up and sign as I tried to read through it as fast as possible. I did not care, because in the end I was free from the web of Family Court, and I was able to start my life anew. This is how I became a non-custodial mother.