When Walking Away Seems Like An Option

I learned something very interesting from a business coach and I couldn't help compare it to the position non-custodial parents are put in. She said that when people begin to feel insignificant in their job, they begin to feel a lack of motivation to even wake up in the morning. They don't leave jobs because the job is too hard, they leave because the job has left them empty, and it's no longer worth it. 

Non-custodial parents are often left with zero obligation (notwithstanding financially) or parental autonomy. Sometimes they can't take their kids to the doctor. Sometimes they can't do anything with their kids without permission or supervision. 

In order for people to feel pride in their work, they need to feel like their input matters. They need to feel like their work is productive and fruitful. They need to find meaning in their work. 

Giving one parent custody, usually means releasing the other parent of any autonomy or responsibility whatsoever. When you reduce a parent to a glorified babysitter, they start feeling disconnected from their child. They don't get a say in how their child is raised. They can't make important decisions for their child. They don't feel like their effort means anything. Their input is often ignored, and eventually they start feeling like their effort to be in the child's life is meaningless. They start seeing the child as a stranger. Eventually, they may feel so disconnected from the child, that they are no longer able to muster the motivation to put any effort into having a relationship with the child, because it doesn't feel worth it.

This is why giving one parent all of the parental responsibility is a mistake. It may sound logical in theory, but in practice it essentially eliminates the other parent from the equation. If a parent doesn't feel like they have a say in the child's life, they may psychologically disengage from the child in order to cope, and in some extreme cases that cognitive dissonance is so severe, that they reject the child completely. It's unfathomable, but as you consistently get dejected by a custodial parent with a God complex, the idea of walking away from children that are no longer "yours" becomes less and less taboo. You think to yourself "what's the point?". 

In the end, the child ultimately loses out. They go through life feeling rejected and having abandonment issues, not understanding why mommy or daddy gave up on them. They internalize this feeling. They may seek out the abandoning parent as an adult, only to be met with a person who is so numbed out, that they can't muster any feelings towards the child. The parent who commandeered custody can point and call the non-custodial parent a bum and a loser and an abandoner, but they never stop to question their own role in that child's damage. By proverbially castrating the non-custodial parent, they are directly responsible for their child's pain.

This is why it is a MUST for both parents to have an active role in parental decisions. By being accountable, by feeling responsible, they can feel pride that their input means something, that they are producing something of value. If their hard work and effort feels like it's for nothing, then there is no motivation for them to even show up.

50/50 IS in the best interest of the child.

xxxxxx

If you are a parent who feels like walking away, please consider the impact it will have on your child. If you feel numb or you feel disengaged, do the bare minimum. Show up, go to Chuck E. Cheese, forget homework, forget rules, just be there for your child. Do the bare minimum, but keep showing up. Don't do it for you, do it for them. Sometimes all a child needs is your presence, your warmth, your smile and that is enough. You don't want your child to grow up broken hearted. You don't want a child with abandonment issues. Showing up is the least you can do. You owe it to your child.