Posts

Babies Don't Need Overnights With Dad

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Unpopular opinion: Babies under the age of 12 months should primarily be with the mom and do not need overnight visits with dad. It literally makes no difference for them if they spend X amount of time with dad, because even a few hours a day with dad is sufficient for them at that point of development. On the Maslow hierarchy of needs, babies only need food, warmth, someone to change them, hold them, and lots of sleep. They don't need overnights with dad on order to develop.  When they start walking around and forming social connections, then you can start talking about overnights. Even before 12 months, overnights are still fine once in a while, but consistent scheduled overnights are just not necessary.  What a baby under the age of 12 months primarily needs is it's mother. It needs that skin to skin contact. It needs those mommy pheromones. It does something for their physical, psychological and emotional development that science doesn't fully yet comprehend

Solving The Custody Crisis: Child Support

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Let's get real, most custody battles are not about the best interest of the child, and in *most* cases both parents are fit to parent. Most of the time, it's two angry people fighting each other for power or using the kids as weapons. The courts don't help, as they incentivize parents to fight through a winner takes all model. Suddenly, these angry people are empowered to hurt each other, and are so blinded with hatred that they lose sight of the fact that the weapons they are fighting with are the innocent children caught in the middle. How do you solve this problem? Take away the incentives.  I hear from a lot of mothers that the father did not go after her for custody until she filed for child support. Men HATE to feel like they are giving a woman a blank check to do with as she pleases. It burns them up inside.  Realistically, that money is most likely going to expenses surrounding the child, but all the men see is that blank check, and they go nuts. One s

Characteristics That Define Man

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There are 2 types of men in this world. Men who are willing to destroy a woman because she wronged him, and men who are not. I've talked to men who had information that could ruin their ex-wife and bury her, but they didn't use it. Why? Because they didn't want to harm the mother of their children. Every time this conversation happened, I couldn't help but compare it to my own situation. My ex nearly destroyed me. If the custody battle had happened at any other point, he wouldn't have stood a chance in hell at winning. Quit frankly, I'm Supermom. However, at the time of the custody battle I was going through a hard time. The universe handed him his case on a silver platter, and he made the decision in how he would proceed. He knew I was in a bad state, and fully exploited it.  The custody battle happened at a time when I was going through very bad postpartum depression with my 2nd child, and I hadn't fully recovered from my first bout of it wit

When You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Eachother

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It is a myth that you can't raise successful children in a divorce without co-parenting. It's completely possible, it just takes a little more of an effort. My children's father and I are the poster couple for parents who love their kids more than we hate each other. We cannot get along, and that makes it impossible to co-parent effectively. Instead of co-parenting, we both invest as much of ourselves into our kids as humanly possible, and keep the kids out of the fighting.  This is how we do it: We don't co-parent, we just can't. Every single one of our discussions devolves into bickering, gaslighting and blame games. For that reason, we ONLY communicate through one medium- email. We don't talk in front of the kids, we don't talk on the phone, and we don't text. We never tried the parenting apps, but email works well for us. I'll only call him very rarely, and only when it's absolutely necessary. If one of us does something the other

10 Things I Learned From Being An Advocate

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10 things I learned from being an advocate, that I wanted to share with people who are interested in advocacy: 1) You have to focus on a specific niche. You can't spread yourself too thin by getting involved with every cause, because you'll burn out. The more specific you are, the more effective you can be in enacting change. 2) Decide if you want to concentrate on legal reform, social change, education, awareness, etc. You can't do it all. Everybody is good at something. Some people are better at social media, some people are better writers, and some have a talent with the spoken word. You need to figure out what you are good at and concentrate on that. 3) You need to be assertive, yet polite and professional. If you are too aggressive, or you curse, or dress like a bum, no one is going to take you seriously. People get turned off when someone is in their face. You need to find a good balance between passive and aggressive and constantly re-evaluate your approa

Same Same, But Different.

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Every time I see a mother asking for custody related advice or support on a Father's Rights page, I cringe. Would you go to a dentist for a heart attack? Ofcourse not. So why would you go to a forum inherently designed for fathers, and ask a mom related question?! Inevitably, there are always men in the comments who belittle or invalidate her for being on a father's forum. Don't get me wrong, I fully support TFRM and what they have done for fathers. However, I also believe that we are not equal and mothers do not really belong in TFRM. We can act as allies, but ultimately we need to let it be a boys club.  I do not believe in gender equality. It pisses me off to no end that society has tried to shove gender equality down our throats. Men and women are not the same, and that's OK!!! Our differences do not make either gender better or worse. They just make us different. We each excel in our own beautiful ways. We are all capable of achieving the same goals, w

Coercive Settlement

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I learned a new phrase this morning. It's called "coercive settlement". What I'm about to say is 100% factual, or else I could get into legal trouble. On the day that I settled, I was basically forced to sign a biased, extremely one-sided agreement. It was our last pre-trial hearing. To her credit, the Judge was AMAZING and she stepped off her bench to try to get us to compromise. We were both seeking full custody, but to compromise I offered 50/50 custody. He would not budge on full custody. The Judge got fed up and told us to pick trial dates. I didn't want to go to trial. I had no money left, my hair was falling out from stress, and I'd developed an ulcer. I was done. I just wanted to be put out of my misery. I spoke up and begged the Judge to let the father have one more day a week to give him the residential custosy, thereby ending the nightmare. She paused for a moment, and agreed. His side erupted with protest. My lawyer was fuming, as I&#