How The Hassidic Community Alienates Children From Non-Observant Parents

This post is written in memory of Deb Tambor, a woman who committed suicide after losing custody and being alienated from her children for choosing to leave her Hassidic community.

This post is also written with R in mind who been alienated from her only child for 11 months, S who has been under supervised visitation for 4 years even though her 12 year old begged the judge to remove supervision, H who's children are scattered in foster homes throughout the community, S who was not allowed to go to his daughters wedding, B who cannot choose what color shoes her daughter wears, M who sees his children for 3 hours one day a month, Y who's children are embarrassed of their father and refuse to go for visits, A who is severely limited in seeing her son because she is transgender, M who was tricked into marrying a mentally ill man and is now an alienated non-custodial mother, and all of the others I have met in this journey.....

Photo Credit: NPR

There is a unique type of parental alienation that occurs where I live. Those who choose to stop practicing the religion they were born into, are actively alienated not only by the court, but by their community at large. The community throws fundraisers to hire the best lawyers, and tells the child that their parent is no good and going to hell. Seven years ago, Deb Tambor could no longer live with the collective effort of an entire community effort to alienate her children from her, for the sole reason of daring to believe in something different. The pain was too much and she took her life. I have always kept Deb in my heart as I work to advance the progress AMWOC is trying to accomplish. 

Luckily today, those choosing to leave the religion have the guidance of an organization called Footsteps to help them along their journey. Footsteps is an organization that provides educational, vocational, and social support to people who have left or want to leave an ultra-Orthodox or Orthodox Jewish community in the United States.

While going through my divorce, I was alienated from my friends and support system, and dealt with extreme loneliness and isolation. When I did not have my kids, I sought out any and every event and social gathering that I could find so I would not become consumed by sadness. One night, I saw a Facebook event for a screening of One Of Us that was sponsored by Footsteps. I immediately jumped at the chance to go. The film follows 3 individuals who leave Ultra-Orthodoxy. Two of the three are non-custodial parents. One is a non-custodial father, and one is a non-custodial mother of seven. As the mother's custody battle unfolded on screen, I became extremely triggered and could not stifle my sobbing. The pain on the screen was so real, because it was similar to the pain I was experiencing at the time. Through her experience, I saw my worst nightmare come to life.

The stranger sitting next to me put her arms around my shoulders and hugged me tightly as we both cried together. This woman turned out to be an alienated non-custodial mother. Little did I realize that I was sitting in a theater filled with non-custodial parents, most of whom were extremely restricted from seeing their children, or severely alienated. Their crimes spanned from being gay, wearing jeans, uncovering their hair, shearing their side locks, using smartphones, etc. These were good parents. They did not beat their children. They did not use drugs. They did not endanger their children. Their only transgression was choosing to no longer practice a religion they were born into and did not choose. 

"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE IN A COUNTRY THAT SPECIFICALLY SEPARATES CHURCH AND STATE IN THE FIRST AMENDMENT?!", you may ask. I will break down exactly how this is done to the best of my ability.

Ultra-Orthodox Jews are fervently protective of their religion. They see every member as an integral component to the continuation of the existance of the Jewish people. However, the religious practices of some Ultra-Orthodox sects is rigid and extremely demanding. Psychological fatigue and disenchantment is seen as a real threat. Conformity is emphasized over the wants and needs of the individual, and those who do not fit in are allowed to fall through the cracks for the benefit of the greater good. 

When a parent decides to no longer be observant and deviate from the norm, ex-communication is brutal and swift. Parents who decide to leave the community together have a better chance of leaving with their children. If one parent decides to stop being observant, but the other does not, the entire community bands together to "save" the children from being "lost" as well. They will throw fundraisers, "tea parties", and raise enormous amounts of money to hire the best attorneys to fight against the parent that is no longer observant.  

The parent who chooses to no longer observe the religion is exiled into the secular world with very little real world skills. These individuals come from an extremely sheltered world and they are not equipped to live a life outside that bubble. Hassidic boys stop receiving a secular education in 8th grade. The girls receive a very light coursework of secular education. Some do not speak English. Some do not have a high school diploma. Some have no social skills. Some do not know how to interact with the opposite sex. Almost all of them leave with very little money, and no support system. These people choose to stop being observant for various reasons, but are completely unprepared for the real world. Suddenly, they are thrust into the high-stakes world of Family Court and they have no idea what awaits them. 

The secret weapon used by the Hassidic community to completely destroy the parental rights of these non-observant parents is a loophole in Status Quo law. Family Court uses status quo to ensure that children's lives are not disrupted by divorce. This was originally intended to enforce child support after WWII because servicemen who met women overseas were abandoning their children and families to starve and become homeless. Status quo is usually used today to ensure that children have the same level of material comfort that they had while the parents were married. The Hassidic community perverts status quo by stating that the non-observant parent no longer lives the same lifestyle that they used to live while married, and having foreign ideas introduced to the child is detrimental to the "Best Interest Of The Child".  In New York, Judges seem to mostly agree and take an active participation in separating these parents from their children through extreme measures. 

Some non-observant parents will get extremely limited visitation time with their children. The non-observant parents are sometimes put under supervised visitation. Some are told they are not allowed to wear jeans in front of their children. They are barred from telling their children anything that contradicts with the child's strict community standards. They are forced to walk on eggshells around their children and watch what they do and say, or else they face severe legal penalties. The supervised non-observant parent is sometimes forced to have supervision by a person who resents them for leaving the sect, and are openly hostile during supervised visitation causing an uneasy atmosphere for all. Some are only given a few hours a month to see their children under these conditions. The fear is that the non-observant parent will introduce new ideas to the child, which will make the child question his or her lifestyle and confuse the child.

  

In the meantime, the community actively works to alienate the child and puts pressure on the child to reject the non-observant parent. The child is told their non-observant parent is going to hell. They are told their parent is evil. They are told their parent is a bad person. By the time they have their supervised visit once a month, these children hate their non-observant parent. They openly and brashly disrespect the non-observant parent. The non-observant parent is usually legally incapacitated and is unable to parent the disrespectful child, and the child knows it and takes full advantage. One parent told me that her child spit on her and called her a Shiksa (a derogatory term to describe a non-Jewish woman).  Eventually the alienated child refuses to visit the non-observant parent entirely, and the alienation is successfully completed. Many parents who lose custody of their children this way lose hope. Some even commit suicide. 

All of this is done in the name of God.

The counter-argument used by the religious party is that the child will become confused by seeing the non-observant parent look and act differently than they are used to. Another argument is that the child will be tempted to break religious law (so what?) by the parent who is no longer observant. Yet another argument I've heard is that the child will have a hard time socially if it is found out that their parent is different (this is also the same line of thinking that prevents some Hassidic people from getting psychiatric help if they need it), or that the child will be ostracized by their peers for fear that they may be lax in religious observance due to parental influence.

The only crime these parents commit is choosing not to practice a religion they do not want to practice. A religion they were born into, and did not willingly choose. Some naysayers will argue that the non-observant parent chose to bring children into a religious environment, knowing full well what would be expected of them. This brings me to the question of choice. Some Ultra-Orthodox Jews will marry as young as 17. Most will be married by their early 20's. A sheltered 20 year old does not fully understand who they are, let alone what they want in life. By the time they figure it out, they could already be trapped in the system with several children. 

What is worse: Introducing new ideas to a child that might confuse the child, or completely destroying the relationship between a child and a parent?

Why is the Hassidic community so afraid that a non-observant parent will introduce new ideas to a child, that they are willing to alienate the child from their parent and destroy the relationship with the parent at all costs? Humans are the only beings on this planet capable of critical thinking. Don't we all have a right to make an informed decision? While it is true that children are impressionable, they will ultimately make decisions that are comfortable for them. Isn't it a bad idea to make a decision without being presented with all of the facts? How is a person able to make an informed decision otherwise? Isn't it counter-intuitive to make a decision without weighing your options? One can only surmise that the Hassidic community thrives on keeping it's members ignorant in order to keep them from questioning and possibly leaving the fold. This is what a cult would do. 

Family Court judges are enabling the success of a cult mentality by enthusiastically taking away parental rights from parents whose only crime is choosing to stop observing a religion they no longer believe in. These judges, lawyers, etc. are accessories to the parental alienation happening in these cases and the erosion of the parent-child relationship. 

Can a choice really be considered a choice if you are not aware that you have another choice? I think not.

How can this be fixed, you ask? The answer is both extremely easy and extremely complicated. The easy answer would be to pass laws that make it illegal to factor in religious observance, or lifestyle changes pertaining to religious observance in custody cases. The hard part is getting anyone to do it. Most of this legal abuse occurs in counties with large Hassidic political influence. Most Hassidic sects vote in blocks. Politicians and policymakers are scared to raise their ire for fear of losing the votes, so they will not pass a law that will negatively impact the Hassidic Community.

In the meantime, how many lives will be destroyed due to this loophole in the law? How many children will be alienated from their parents? How many parents will lose hope and commit suicide? What will it take to bring these loving parents justice? A parent should lose custody for using drugs, not for wearing jeans. 

Deb ended her life in October 2013. Any success I make in changing the laws will be made in her honor.