The Truth About Narcissists

Photo Credit: John McCann/ M&G

The cold, hard truth.

There are so many blog posts and advice columns out there about dealing with narcissists, but the truth is that there is no real cure for dealing with a narcissist. Here is the real hard truth that you may not hear very often, or even at all about narcs and how to deal with them.

Weak women will often gravitate towards narcissists. Why is that?

The signs are usually clearly there from the beginning. However, because we are weak, we will view the narcissist as a protector and a provider because they exude confidence and self assuredness. The narcissist will act as the protector and provider not because they truly love us, but because they will see us as possessions, and as such will want to take care of us. The minute we are no longer in their good graces, they will treat us like the enemy, or a blight that disgusts them. They will never treat us with kindness and respect because they never saw us as worthy of kindness and respect to begin with.

Your friendships will be compromised.

The first thing you need to be wary of when dealing with a narcissist, is that that everyone you've ever known will become a liability once you fall out of the narcs good graces. A narcissist will either see someone as a friend, or a foe. There is no middle ground. They will make everyone in your life choose sides, and those who show any sympathy for you are automatically labelled as the enemy of the narcissist. The narc cannot accept someone who is friends with both of you.

You will never defeat a narcissist, but you can subdue them.

To do this, you need to show that you are strong and you can stand your ground. A narcissist will do anything in their power to tear you down and exert power and control over you. You need to learn the letter of the law extremely well so that the narcissist is unable to use legal trickery against you. You need to be ready to defend yourself at all times, as this person will be unyielding when they don't get their way. You need to get battle-strong really quickly. Weakness is death when dealing with a narcissist. YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER. If you do not get strong, you will get eaten alive.

How do you deal with a narcissist co-parent?

You cannot parent with a narcissist, unless you constantly give in to them. It's their way or the highway and if you do not play along, they will make your life a living hell. So how do you deal with it? You need to stand your ground and not allow them to step all over you on issues that are important to you. Do not show unnecessary kindness to a narcissist. They will not respond to your kindness and will take advantage as they see kindness for weakness. You need to show that you are strong and unemotional because they smell weakness and exploit kindness. Don't even bother trying to get them to admit that they are wrong, because they don't even think they are wrong. Ever.

Does this make them bad parents that need to be kept away from their children? Not necessarily.

A narcissist might view their child as a possession, and thus treat them as a prized possession. You want your children to be in the narcissists good graces, because your children will benefit from it. If the narcissist views your children as unworthy of their affection, they will shun the children and the children will lose out. If the narc is more financially or socially empowered than you are, you may have to make an impossible choice of giving the narc an advantage to allow your children to benefit. If the narc is abusive, that is a different story, but overall they are too prideful to ever allow the world to see them as anything less than perfect, so they will be careful if they see that their behavior is under scrutiny from you, the watchdog.

How do you keep your sanity when dealing with a narc?

While the children benefit from a good standing relationship with the narcissist, you will have a difficult time trying to co-parent with them because they are impossible to compromise with. Don't try to make them see the error of their ways, it's useless. Just pander to them most of the time, kiss their ass, roll your eyes behind their back, and pick and choose your battles wisely. Start viewing them not as these all powerful and scary overlords, but as pathetic spoiled children who stomp their feet when they don't get their way. Once you stop being afraid of them, they will lose some of the power they have over you.

Having to live with a narcissist as a co-parent is a game that you may be unwilling to play, but you are an unwitting player in nonetheless. That's the truth.