How To Neutralize A Temper Tantrum In 5 Minutes Or Less

By: Nataly Antar - Certified Mental Health First Aid Provider

Kids of divorce have a lot of emotions, and sometimes they don’t always know how to express those emotions. This will result in tantrums, emotional outbursts, and fits of rage. As a certified mental health first aid provider, this is the method that I’ve developed to bring a child down from a place of emotional intensity, to complete calmness in just a few minutes. 

1) Grey Rock. Think of a grey rock. It’s neutral, it’s boring, it’s grey. Your emotions have no place in this moment. You must neutralize your emotions, as your emotions will have a negative impact on the child. If you show anger, the child will feed off of that and become even more angry. If you show sadness, the child may interpret that as a guilt trip, and you guessed it, become even angrier. You must keep as calm as possible. This may be tricky if the child has angered or upset you, but you must remember that even if the child is acting irrationally, they are still paying attention to your behavior. This is not about you.

2) Sympathize. Try to understand that the child is in a state of emotional distress, and be extra sensitive towards them. I do not believe that tantrums, emotional outbursts, or rage exhibited by a child stems from a bad place. I believe that these behaviors are cries for help. Think of the behavior as the child communicating “I’m in so much pain and I don’t know what to do!”. Once you shift your perspective in this way, it will be a lot easier to be a better helper for the child.

3) Keep calm. No matter how severe the child's behavior is, you must stay calm, cool and collected. Remember, the child is in a heightened emotional state, and is extra sensitive to your emotional state. Any emotion on your part will cause the child to spiral, and aggravate the situation. Think of the child as a landmine. Accidentally step on it, and BOOM! 

4) Whisper. This is not the time to raise your voice or bark commands. Instead, use a gentle, soothing tone of voice no louder than a whisper. Use soothing, reassuring words and phrases like "Everything is OK" "It's OK", "Shhhh" "I'm here". 

5) Breathe. A tantrum can be very stressful. Steady your breathing to calm yourself down. Take slow, shallow breaths. 

6) Restrain the child. Do not use actual restraints. Hold them in a tight bear hug (but not too tight!), or hold their arms or legs if they are punching or kicking. A child who is tantruming may attempt to hurt themselves or others, so try to corral those flailing arms and legs. Proceed with caution if this is not your child, as this may put you in a precarious situation. Do not use excessive force, just enough to keep them from hurting themselves or those around them. Exercise good judgement with this rule.

7) Get them out of there. Remove the child from the stressful environment. Take them into another room, away from the stress catalyst. If they attempt to flee back into the space where the tantrum occured, do not allow it. Remember, do not use excessive force. You do not want to inadvertently hurt the child. Exercise good judgement with this rule as well.

8) Repeat steps 1 through 4, until they have exhausted themselves. Once they are calmer, move on to step 6.

9) Practice gratitude. Ask them to name one good thing that happened to them that day. Spend a few moments talking about this. If they answer “nothing”, ask about the day before, or the day after that. Get them to find one good thing that happened to them, and elaborate on it. This will allow their attention to shift from a negative feeling, to a positive one.

10) Use big words. Using advanced vocabulary words will force the child to ask “What does that word mean?”, and while you explain it, you will be further distracting them and shifting their attention away from the cause of the tantrum. 

11) Make them laugh. Tell them a funny anecdote about something that happened to you that is relevant to the situation. The purpose of this is to make them laugh, thereby shifting their emotional state from a negative one to a positive one.

12) Lightly touch their hand, arm, head, or just give a hug. Touch is magic and has healing properties. Proceed with caution if this is not your child, especially with a child of the opposite sex, as you don't want to inadvertently put yourself in a precarious situation. Exercise good judgement with this rule.

13) Resist the urge to punish. This is not a time for punishment. You want to de-escalate the tension, not aggravate it. Would you punish someone who exhibited symptoms of pain? No, you would give them a Tylenol. Remember rule #2. 

14) Delivering the death notification: Sometimes a child did something very bad that will have consequences or ramification. You must think of yourself as a military personnel conducting a death notification. Exercise the utmost sensitivity and break the news in the gentlest way possible, but only after the child has mostly calmed down. 

15) Walk them through it. Allow the child to deconstruct the events leading up to the tantrum in order to identify the catalyst of the tantrum.

16) Talk about it. Explore different ways this could have been prevented, and how it can be prevented in the future. Allow the child to come up with their own solutions, or suggest solutions to explore. A child will internalize an idea much quicker when they are the one that came up with it, rather than if it was told to them.

17) Let it sink in. Sit for a moment in silence, and allow the child to decide when the moment ends.

18) Check in. Ask them how they are feeling. At this point they should say they are OK. If they are still not OK, continue deconstructing the not-OK feeling until they say they feel OK.

19) High five. Give them a high five. You’ve concluded the neutralization process and they are now ready to go about their day.

20) Breathe. That was most likely very stressful for you as well. Take a moment to calm yourself down before you go about your day. You did good. Smile and pat yourself on the back for a job well done!