Coercive Settlement


I learned a new phrase this morning. It's called "coercive settlement". What I'm about to say is 100% factual, or else I could get into legal trouble. On the day that I settled, I was basically forced to sign a biased, extremely one-sided agreement. It was our last pre-trial hearing.
To her credit, the Judge was AMAZING and she stepped off her bench to try to get us to compromise. We were both seeking full custody, but to compromise I offered 50/50 custody. He would not budge on full custody. The Judge got fed up and told us to pick trial dates. I didn't want to go to trial. I had no money left, my hair was falling out from stress, and I'd developed an ulcer. I was done. I just wanted to be put out of my misery.
I spoke up and begged the Judge to let the father have one more day a week to give him the residential custosy, thereby ending the nightmare. She paused for a moment, and agreed. His side erupted with protest. My lawyer was fuming, as I'm sure he was looking forward to the trial billables. The Judge told his side that if they didn't agree, she would make him pay every single penny of the trial.
I was now in an unpredictable situation, but I didn't care; I just wanted to be put out of my misery. We went out into the hallway and his lawyer pulled out a pre-written agreement. My lawyer did not. It was 44 pages long. I sat there for hours trying to read it as quickly as possible while my lawyer stood over my head, huffing, red faced, repeatedly screaming "Sign it! JUST SIGN IT!".
I tried negotiating and rewriting, but I was not as fluent in the legalese as I am today. In the end, I agreed to some crazy BS like having "3 back and forth emails about a decision, but if we disagree he gets to win" (is that really even a choice?!). I wished I could have taken it to read overnight and mull it over, but in the whirlwind I missed a few clauses that were horrible. The agreement was poorly written, vague, ambiguous, and full of room for interpretation. We've had many fights about interpretations ever since.
When it ended, the Judge asked me the standard questions. One of them was about coercion. Ofcourse I said NO because if I said yes, the Judge would get mad at me. Was I basically left to my own devices trying to interpret a badly written, tricky 44 page legally binding agreement while everyone around me was pressuring me and screaming at me to sign it? Yup. Did I feel coerced as hell? You bet. Did I dare say that? No way. In the end I gave up all my rights. It was worth it, because the intense tyranny of the custody battle drove me to my psychological limit and I couldn't take it anymore. I made a choice to take an awful situation and make the best of it. I made a Sophie's Choice. This is why our legal system is a damn joke. Settlement is not a peaceful event, but often looks like this.

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 4, 2020 at 3:06 PM

    Same thing happened to me. At 3 days $10,000 per day before trial

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why I Do Not Have Custody

Disclaimer: As part of my commitment not to disparage the children's father, I will omit and gloss over some facts and details but I will attempt to tell the story as accurately as I possibly can. The events that transpired can only be rationalized as fate because at every turn, a different decision could have changed the entire outcome. I often question why God allowed this to happen, but my faith is strong and I believe that God has a plan that we do not understand. When I filed for divorce in 2015, I asked for full custody with the father having every other weekend, and one night a week. I was conditioned to believe that this was a standard custody arrangement, because this is what society teaches us is the standard custodial arrangement. I was unhappy in the marriage, but divorce was never a serious option. It did cross my mind, but I don't think I would have ever gone through with it. I truly believe that we would have overcame the bumps in our marriage and still be ...
Read more

When Walking Away Seems Like An Option

I learned something very interesting from a business coach and I couldn't help compare it to the position non-custodial parents are put in. She said that when people begin to feel insignificant in their job, they begin to feel a lack of motivation to even wake up in the morning. They don't leave jobs because the job is too hard, they leave because the job has left them empty, and it's no longer worth it.  Non-custodial parents are often left with zero obligation (notwithstanding financially) or parental autonomy. Sometimes they can't take their kids to the doctor. Sometimes they can't do anything with their kids without permission or supervision.  In order for people to feel pride in their work, they need to feel like their input matters. They need to feel like their work is productive and fruitful. They need to find meaning in their work.  Giving one parent custody, usually means releasing the other parent of any autonomy or responsibility whatsoever. When you redu...
Read more

Jekyll and Hyde

Image
It is not your imagination. Your children DO act differently with you than they do with their father! I saw this first hand recently when my daughter was hysterical about something. I'm talking full blown meltdown, screaming, and threatening to call her dad. I don't usually respond to these outbursts, but in this case I impulsively hit the call button and handed her the phone. She panicked and quickly ended the call, and went back to being hysterical....but then everything changed when he called back. Within a SECOND her entire demeanor changed from hysterical level 9 drama to completely calm, quiet, and collected. Not a tear in sight!!! "Why did you call?", he asked suspiciously (he hardly speaks to the children when they are with me). "Uhh, I just called to say hi", she said casually.  I sat there in shock with my mouth agape, smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand and internally screaming. I couldn't understand how she went from hysterical, cry...
Read more