Characteristics That Define Man

There are 2 types of men in this world. Men who are willing to destroy a woman because she wronged him, and men who are not.

I've talked to men who had information that could ruin their ex-wife and bury her, but they didn't use it. Why? Because they didn't want to harm the mother of their children. Every time this conversation happened, I couldn't help but compare it to my own situation.

My ex nearly destroyed me. If the custody battle had happened at any other point, he wouldn't have stood a chance in hell at winning. Quit frankly, I'm Supermom. However, at the time of the custody battle I was going through a hard time. The universe handed him his case on a silver platter, and he made the decision in how he would proceed. He knew I was in a bad state, and fully exploited it. 

The custody battle happened at a time when I was going through very bad postpartum depression with my 2nd child, and I hadn't fully recovered from my first bout of it with my first child. During my first pregnancy I had a medical scare. I spent that entire pregnancy convinced that either me or my baby would die. After my baby was born, I was unable to produce enough milk and it stressed me out. I wanted to be the perfect wife and mother, and it overwhelmed me. I suffered with postpartum secretly, never letting on how I felt. I got pregnant with my 2nd when my first was 12 months old. At the 6 week prenatal visit, I was diagnosed with Parvo Virus (Fifths Disease) that I'd caught from my 12 month old. I spent that entire pregnancy on bed rest worrying that my baby would have brain or heart defects. When my baby was 6 months, he suddenly stopped responding and his development regressed. I thought I was going crazy. I spent hours filming him to show his non-responsiveness, and change in behavior. I fought like a mad woman to get him a diagnosis by the state, and at 11 months, he got a diagnosis and was receiving OT, PT, Speech, and feeding therapy. My ex worked, and I was a stay at home mother. He'd never even been to a doctors appointment. I had 2 babies in diapers, one of which had special needs. I also still had this desire to be perfect all the time. It was a lot to handle, and the postpartum depression became too much to handle. I decided that I needed medication and got a prescription for an antidepressant. It was bad for me. I'll never quite understand what it did to my personality, but during the years I took it, it changed me in a way that I still cannot comprehend. I was not myself, to say the least.

He knew I was in a vulnerable emotional state, but showed me no mercy. He took every opportunity to knock me down. He was willing to go so far as to have me thrown in jail and get deported, and was pissed when the DA dropped the charges. He embarrassed me by showing naked pictures and personal writing to our friends, family, and clergy. He knew my weak spots and exploited them continuously. He even moved in to the apartment I'd been longing for, but wasn't able to attain. He was hurt and he wanted to see me suffer. 

Did I deserve it? Probably. Did he have to do it? No. Was he able to stop at any point and say "She's clearly going through something, let's get her some help and then resume this"? Absolutely. Did he? No. 

I've thought about this a lot. About why some men are willing to do certain things, and why some aren't. Why some men are able to go to extremes, while some aren't. What stops the men I've talked to from destroying their exes, while mine was hell bent on seeing me go down?

I think it comes down to moral character. That invisible line we are not willing to cross, even when no one is watching. In his defense, he did not have a good moral compass. His father made a career of boasting about being a criminal and masterminding one of the largest securities frauds in history. His family continuously screwed eachother over. He had no one to draw moral influence from. 

As I've gotten older and I've delved into self development, I've wondered what characteristics I should be looking for in a significant other. I consulted my friends, and they told me to sit down and make a list. For a long time, I would try to sit down and think about it, but the page would be empty. Finally, after having a conversation with a man who said he was able to hurt his ex but chose not to, it hit me. 

On a piece of paper, in large letters, I wrote: MORAL CHARACTER. The number 1 thing that's important to me in a man is his ability to do the right thing, even if doing the right thing is hard or goes against his best interest. I haven't always been the best at this either, but it's something I'm continuously working on. It makes me proud when my friends trust me, and I feel good when I do the right thing. I want a man who draws pride from his beliefs and values in regards to his fellow man.

My ex probably doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He's never admitted fault in any situation, ever. In our case, I am sure that he thinks that I'm 100% the villain, and he is 100% the victim. In reality, it's more like 50/50. Neither of us is a saint. I recognize my faults, and work hard to improve them, and that is important to me in a partner. Considering this, on my piece of paper under Moral Character I wrote: ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE FAULT and WILLING TO UNDERGO CHANGE. 

One last thing I'd like to add is that it's not enough to do the right thing, or recognize when you've done wrong. I once dated a man who prided himself on doing good deeds for others, but upon further inquiry I realized that every time he did a good deed, he would do so begrudgingly. He would complain about doing it, and would hold a tally in his mind of the good things he did vs. what he got in return. His niceness seemed disingenuous. This was a deal breaker for me and I broke up with him. I took out that piece of paper and added INTENTION on the next line. 

I'm still building my list, and through every relationship and interaction I try to learn something new so that when I finally do settle on a life partner, I will know they are the perfect person for me. Obviously I know that no one is perfect, but there are some things I'm just not willing to compromise on. 

What would you add to the list if you were me?