How The Pandemic Saved My Child

This is a picture of my son clinging to me as I prepare lunch. He is having classes on Zoom today. He constantly needs to touch me in some way, whether it's touching my face as he talks to me or being stuck to me like glue while I cook. He is a well behaved, calm, articulate and sweet child, and he is flourishing in his academic studies. A year ago this was not the case. A year ago, he was angry, aggressive, emotionally dysregulated, and bouncing off the walls. He was also failing in school. So what changed?

The short answer is; the Covid-19 pandemic. 

In March 2020, the kids came home from school and did not return for months. We didn't leave the house. We didn't see other people. Their father and I conducted exchanges based on the school calendar, but instead of going to school, they came home. Suddenly, we spent copious amounts of quality time together. Quality time that we had not had since he was 2 years old. 

His father and I split when he was 13 months old. We unsuccessfully tried establishing a visitation schedule, with the father wanting every other night at first. I refused to allow our children to commute every other night, and we finally settled on him getting every weekend. I was assured by my lawyer that this would be easily reversible. When I realized it wasn't working, I had to pay my lawyer an additional $2500 to file a motion to undo this, only to have to give up 4 Wednesdays a month to gain 2 Sundays a month. Consequently, I did not have a weekend with my kids for almost 2 years. This is when I first learned about status quo. Nobody explained to me that what is given becomes status quo and cannot be taken back. 

Status quo would go on to further hurt my son. At first, my mother would watch him while I worked (his father worked full time), but when he turned 2, he was eligible to go to playgroup with his older sister. He would cry and scream when I dropped him off and would cling to me desperately. During this time I lost my job and decided that I wanted to keep him home because he seemed to be craving my attention and touch (besides, what's the point of sending a kid to playgroup if you're home?). However, I was no longer in a position to be allowed to make that decision. At that point we were steeped in a custody battle, and had a GAL (lawyer for the children), and I was painted out to be a mother who wanted to deprive her child of an education. I tried to argue that it was only a playgroup, but nobody was having it. I had to helplessly watch as my son would cry and cling to me when it was time to drop him off to playgroup or to his dad, and it only became worse.

This went on for years. Every time I dropped off my son by his dad, he would refuse to go in the door and scream that he wants his mommy. His teachers would call me and tell me that he insists that he is going to his mother and not his fathers house that day. When we walked to dad's house, it would take an hour instead of 15 minutes because he would stretch out on the ground and make his body stiff or just refuse to walk. It wasn't because his dad was bad to him, it was because he wanted his mommy. He would also lash out in anger, and even slapped a teacher once. He was frustrated and he was angry, and I felt helpless to help him.

I tried explaining to the father that he just needs more quality time with me, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. I believe that the father became so blinded by his desire to "win" in the custody battle or to punish me that he stopped being able to empathize with our children's emotional need for their mother. 

Fast forward a few months into the pandemic. When the kids came to me, I would occupy them with activities such as "camp mommy" where we pretended we were at camp, baking, crafts, etc. Gradually, something inside of my son transformed. When other kids were developing emotional problems and falling behind due to the stress of the pandemic, both of my children flourished. He calmed down. He became happier. He flourished academically. His posture and muscle tone improved. He blossomed.

One could argue that he merely "grew out" of his emotional issues, but as a data analyst I decided to look at the data to determine the cause of this change. He still received the same therapies, neither his dad nor I moved, and the parenting schedule remained the same. His father still worked full time during the pandemic, but I did not work. The only variable in his life was Zoom school and having unlimited attention and physical closeness from me while he was with me. Therefore, I concluded that staying home and subsequently receiving more attention and physical affection was the catalyst that prompted the positive change in my son. 

I don't dare to imagine what would have happened to him had he continued on the path he was on before the pandemic. The only thing I can conclude from this is that if a child is showing emotional issues, it's probably a cry for help. That kid needs extra love and extra attention. It's hard to do when we are busy with our lives, but if we want our children to grow into healthy, well adjusted adults, we need to sacrifice our time for them. We can always make more money, or do whatever else later in life, but our children's childhood will only happen once.