You're The Reason Your Kid Sucks

This article in the UK Mirror makes me really angry. It's written by a mother who writes "I can't stand to be around my nine-year-old daughter - I avoid her at all costs" because she doesn't like who her daughter is. Hey lady, guess what? You did that.

I believe that a child's personality is molded by the parent or caregiver. If you have a rotten kid, it's YOUR own fault. YOU, your parenting, your behavior, and your attitude is the reason your child is the way they are. Your child's negative traits are a direct reflection of your own failure.

Some non-custodial parents do not have enough physical time with their children, and that makes it harder to influence their behavior, but it is still possible to do it from afar. As a mentor to troubled teen girls, I can attest to that. Even a small dose of good influence and guidance can go a long way to shape a child.

A parent has 2 jobs when raising children. The first, is to keep them alive- the basic physiological needs on the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. The second is to teach, correct, refine, and guide them into the adults they will become. If they are lazy, spoiled, temperamental, mean, etc., it is your fault mom and dad. You have no one to blame but yourself. You did that. You might have done it subconsciously, but your parenting did that. Am I victim blaming? No. The child is ultimately the victim.

This brings up the question of nature vs. nurture. Can children inherently be bad, or is it their environment that makes them that way? It's a little bit of both, but all negative behavior in a child can be corrected through good parenting.

My children are polite, articulate, intelligent, and thoughtful. Last year, my daughter was the only girl in her grade capable of demonstrating critical thinking when the board of ed tested the class. My children are also flawed. My daughter can be prideful, elitist, short tempered, and a little mean. My son is quick to anger, and has a fragile ego causing him to lash out physically when he feels threatened. Do I dislike them for these traits? No. I don't dislike my children for their negative traits, I see it as an opportunity for improvement.

I treat my children like diamonds in the rough. Diamonds go through many steps in order to become the diamonds we know. They don't start out that way though. They start off as pieces of rock, misshapen and surrounded by debris. Are they still inherently valuable? Yes, but it is the job of the Diamond Cutter to bring out their true brilliance. As parents, that is our responsibility.

My neighbor recently took in a little girl, and we've had a few playdates with my kids and her. The experience really cemented my belief on this theory.

The first time I met her, she didn't want to be touched, and was ill mannered, rude, and temperamental. She spoke and acted with an attitude. She even referred to herself as "a little b*tch" (which stunned my kids and I). After she said that, I got down to her level and told her "you are not a little b*tch, you are a princess, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect." I stroked her hair while saying this and she flinched, so I apologized for touching her without consent. From that point on, I treated her like one of my own- correcting small behaviors and such. If you know me, you know that I have no qualms with parenting any child within my vicinity.

I could have been one of those parents that told my kids to stop playing with her because she could be a bad influence, but I saw it as a teaching opportunity for them as well. Later that night, we discussed her behavior, and what we learned from it. We also decided to continue having playdates with her.

The last time we had a playdate, she ran up to me to tell me how much she missed me, and gave me a giant hug (she doesn't hug!). She seemed to be making a conscious effort to study and mimic my children's manners and behavior. It was as if she transformed into a little girl again. I don't know what will happen to her in the future, but I'm positive that if properly guided, her negative traits will be refined.

It breaks my heart that the woman in this article chooses to dislike her daughter's personality traits. It's as if she is putting her hands up in the air and saying "it is what it is and I can't do anything about it". Wrong. So wrong! That child is only 9. She is still moldable. There is still time to refine those negative behaviors.

If I were to give this mother advice, I would tell her to re-examine her own behavior, and her own parenting. Her daughter is a byproduct of her. There is no such thing as a bad child, only bad parenting.