The Best Advice You Will Ever Read About Gaslighting

 

Ohhh, I get it.

A contentious ex will often use gaslighting to get you upset and push your buttons. Some examples of gaslighting are when someone sensationalizes a benign event for maximum effect, twists the truth, says something and then pretends they never said it, uses your insecurities to make you feel bad about yourself, or flat out makes up lies and presents them as facts. 

This can be really frustrating because nobody likes to be falsly accused or misrepresented. Our first instinct when this happens is to defend ourselves. It may sound counterintuitive, but trying to defend yourself is the worst decision you can make in this situation. 

A lot of advice out there about responding to, and dealing with gaslighting is well meaning, but unrealistic and ineffective in real life situations. For example, telling the gaslighter that "this is hurtful, please stop" will do nothing to stop them. They know it is hurtful. That is why they are doing it. 

Below are some real ways to deal with, and respond to gaslighting that actually work:

1- Completely ignore the false accusation. 

You do not need to respond. I repeat, you do not need to respond. 

Email or text message is not a court of law. You do not need to prove yourself, or defend yourself. It will do absolutely nothing to help your situation if you spend 3 hours painstakingly disproving an accusation. Trust me, they know the accusation is false. They are only saying it to get under your skin. Their goal is to get you upset, and once you "prove" your point, they will respond with another false accusation or insult to make you feel invalidated all over again. It's a losing game. Don't even bother to respond.

2- If you must respond, respond with facts. 

This is the main reason you should be documenting everything. When a gaslighter claims "I never said that", there is nothing more satisfying than responding "Oh really? On June 23, 2003 xxxxx", or "I have exactly 432,356 messages which state the opposite. Here are a few examples: 1...2...3..4000".

Again, rule #1 should always be your first choice of action, but sometimes it feels good to prove them wrong with facts. It still won't matter in the long run, but it feels nice.

3- Do not let them derail the conversation.

Gaslighters will often derail a conversation in order to avoid addressing the real issue at hand,  so they can shut you down. 

For example, you could be discussing your child's failing grade, and 8 emails later you are being accused of an imaginary issue that supposedly occurred 5 years ago. You get so caught up in defending yourself against this imaginary accusation that supposedly occurred 5 years ago, that the issue of your child's failing grade never gets addressed. 

In order to avoid this from happening, keep the conversation on point. Don't acknowledge the gaslighting. Every time they try to derail the conversation with gaslighting, bring it back to the topic at hand, completely ignoring the off-topic gaslighting.

4- Be a broken record. 

Repeat your point over and over. 

"As per the agreement...", "Again, as per the agreement", "Once more, as per the agreement...". You get it.

5- Communicate like a caveman. 

Use the least amount of words possible. Think to yourself; how can I say what I want to say with the least amount of words. Extra words are an opening for unnecessary conversation. The less you say, the better.

6- Gray Rock.

When they send you a ranting email filled with several paragraphs of bullying, lies and gaslighting, simply respond "OK". There is no retort for "OK". It is a subtle way to say "I don't care".

Ignore any accusations. Don't let it get to you. Do not respond to anything specific unless it is absolutely necessary. 

If you have to respond, imagine you are talking to a customer service agent or a co-worker, or even a chat bot. A customer service agent or chat bot doesn't care about your feelings. Neither does this person.

7- Erase the word "because" from your vocabulary. 

You do not need to explain yourself. "No" is a sufficient response. You do not need to say "No, because...." because anything after the "because" is an opportunity for them to initiate conversation. 

Naturally, if you say no they will usually respond by demanding an explanation. You do not need to give them one. No means no.

8- End the conversation. 

Say "This conversation is over", and then DO NOT RESPOND. The worst thing you can do is to respond after stating that you will not respond. Continuing to respond after you said that you will not respond shows that you do not respect your own boundaries. It shows others that they do not need to respect your boundaries either. Ending a conversation is a boundary. Respect yourself by respecting your boundaries.

9- Pick your battles.

 Ask yourself "Do I REALLY have to say this?"

Don't initiate conversation unless it's absolutely necessary. You need to pick and choose your communications and battles wisely. You will never receive kindness or support from this person. Expect that every single communication will be met with a contentious response from them. Only communicate when it is absolutely necessary. 

Some other questions to ask yourself: 

"Am I legally obligated by the agreement to communicate this information?" 

"Is this a pressing issue?" 

"Will this issue be addressed, if I communicate it?" 

"Will anything change?"

If the answer is no or you aren't sure, do not communicate the information. 

10- If you must say something, say this.

When the gaslighter makes a crazy accusation, do not attempt to defend yourself. If you have to say something, flat out say: "This is false" and do not address any follow up messages or reference to the accusation. Do not explain why it is false. Do not argue with them or try to change their mind. Only 3 words will suffice: This is false. That's it! 

11- Censor yourself.

Choose your words carefully. Remeber that everything you say can and will be used against you. If you are really upset, you can write out a long rant in order to get it out of your system, and then you have to delete it. Do not press send!!! 

Don't give them unnecesary information, because information is power, and it can be used to hurt you.

12- Bounce back. 

Sometimes I succeed with Gray Rock for months at a time before suddenly finding myself being pulled back into a petty back-and-forth dramatic fight. Once I realize that I'm engaging again, I breathe, stop responding, regain my composure, and go back to Grey Rock. 

It used to take me a long time to realize when this was happening, but over the years I've been able to identify it sooner and bounce back quicker and quicker. There's no secret formula to mastering this. It just takes time and experience.

13- Rant in a healthy way. 

A gaslighter can be maddeningly frustrating. They know how to get under your skin. They push you and push you until you want to explode! As humans, our way of feeling better is by expressing our feelings. Sometimes all you want to do is vent at how frustrated you are, but venting to the wrong audience can have serious consequences.

You may want to write a long Facebook rant or heaven forbid, rant to your kids, but this is the worst mistake you can make. You need to resist the urge to vent.

Instead, call a trusted friend or family member and vent to them, or go for a run to blow off steam. Ranting feels good in the moment, but you'll always regret it once you cool off. 

14- Set a filter. 

Set an email filter that automatically sends their emails to a subfolder and bypasses your inbox, so you can't see them unless you manually check. Turn off notifications for the Parenting app, so it doesn't constantly ping on your phone. Only allow yourself to check it once or twice a day.

15- Practice self care. 

It is very emotionally draining to deal with gaslighting. 

I keep a box of really decadent chocolate truffles hidden on a high cabinet shelf in my kitchen. When I find myself drawn into a particularly frustrating interaction, I will take out the box and indulge. It takes my mind off of the current moment and transports me into the euphoric world of chocolatey goodness. You can get a manicure, go shopping, or binge your favorite TV show. Do something gratuitous for yourself to get your mind off of the situation. Just be careful not to indulge in harmful behavior or illegal substances...that will only lead to more trouble. 

In conclusion, a gaslighter can overwhelm you and take up all of your mental energy. You can spend all of your time preoccupied with their drama and allow it to consume you. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend your precious time on this earth. You've already given this person too many minutes of your life. They do not deserve your precious minutes. You don't actually NEED to respond to anything unless it's absolutely necessary. Divert your attention to things that make you happy. Do not engage. Seriously, stop it right now! Enough is enough. Take your power back.