Learning To Live With Joe Goldberg

 

Hey, You.

I often get asked how to stop an ex who is stalking someone, or to help prove that someone was hacked, or is being tracked. I used to do it, but after a while I realized something. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Here's the thing, an obsessed ex who is determined to get access to you will:

*Be able to see everything you post on the internet, regardless of your privacy settings.

*Be able to know where you are at all times.

*Know who you are dating, who your friends are, and know more about them than you do.

*Have your schedule memorized.

*Gain access to your financial information.

*Gain access to your medical records.

*Gain access to your email and social media accounts.

*Know the layout of your house or apartment, and the vulnerabilities of every entry point. They WILL get in if they want to.

*Hire private detectives to find information about you and have you followed.

*Send people to pretend to be your friends, gain your trust, and feed him information about you (this has happened to me!)

*Turn your children into spies/informants, and ask them to steal things from your house (this has happened to me too.)

*Be able to do all of the above and then some, regardless of how much you try to maintain or protect your privacy.

You can drive yourself mad trying to find ways to protect yourself and your privacy, but a determined ex will still find a way.

How? Because they make it their JOB. They are hyper focused on you, and nothing else. They spend hours and hours of their time and energy keeping tabs on you, and finding information about you, and figuring out how to gain access to you. It's creepy, it's annoying, but there is nothing you can do about it. Not even a restraining order will stop them!

I've basically given up on having privacy. There have been so many times where my privacy has been violated. One time, I went to show my daughter a picture and she said, "Oh I saw that already!". "How..", I asked. "Daddy showed it to me." I wanted to throw up.

There have been so many times where I drove myself mad trying to figure out how he knew what he knew, or how he was able to do what he did. The cops never helped by the way, so don't even bother thinking they will protect you.

It's gotten to a point where I no longer care about my privacy. My social media accounts are public. My life is an open book. I have nothing to hide, but there is also a catch. I have to be super careful not to do anything that may be used against me. I stay on the straight and narrow, and don't deviate from that path. In order to cope with the strain of knowing I'm under constant watch, I tell myself that this is God's way of keeping me accountable. 

Ironically, accepting this reality has given me peace, and significantly reduced my anxiety! Coping mechanisms can be wonderful in that respect.

If you are plagued by an obsessed stalker, don't go nuts trying to protect your privacy. Take necessary precautions like 2-step authentication, changing passwords often, installing motion sensor security cameras, taking out a credit report once every 4 months (it's free from annualcreditreport.com), and getting a restraining order if needed, so at the very least you have something official that can offer some protection. Also, make sure to be careful what you say around your kids. They hear everything, and little ones interpret it in the worst ways. 

Other than that, the best thing you can do is just become super boring. Heck, if you need motivation to get sober, use this as motivation to do it. Don't give him anything to work with!

Just remember, he's never going to stop unless he loses interest, finds another victim, or makes the concious decision to stop. There is no use in stressing about it, because it's not in your control. Just accept it, do your part to protect yourself as best you can, and go on with your life.