Posts

Learning To Live With Joe Goldberg

Image
  Hey, You. I often get asked how to stop an ex who is stalking someone, or to help prove that someone was hacked, or is being tracked. I used to do it, but after a while I realized something. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Here's the thing, an obsessed ex who is determined to get access to you will: *Be able to see everything you post on the internet, regardless of your privacy settings. *Be able to know where you are at all times. *Know who you are dating, who your friends are, and know more about them than you do. *Have your schedule memorized. *Gain access to your financial information. *Gain access to your medical records. *Gain access to your email and social media accounts. *Know the layout of your house or apartment, and the vulnerabilities of every entry point. They WILL get in if they want to. *Hire private detectives to find information about you and have you followed. *Send people to pretend to be your friends, gain your trust, and feed him informatio...
Post a Comment
Read more

When Walking Away Seems Like An Option

I learned something very interesting from a business coach and I couldn't help compare it to the position non-custodial parents are put in. She said that when people begin to feel insignificant in their job, they begin to feel a lack of motivation to even wake up in the morning. They don't leave jobs because the job is too hard, they leave because the job has left them empty, and it's no longer worth it.  Non-custodial parents are often left with zero obligation (notwithstanding financially) or parental autonomy. Sometimes they can't take their kids to the doctor. Sometimes they can't do anything with their kids without permission or supervision.  In order for people to feel pride in their work, they need to feel like their input matters. They need to feel like their work is productive and fruitful. They need to find meaning in their work.  Giving one parent custody, usually means releasing the other parent of any autonomy or responsibility whatsoever. When you redu...
1 comment
Read more

The Best Advice You Will Ever Read About Gaslighting

Image
  Ohhh, I get it. A contentious ex will often use gaslighting to get you upset and push your buttons. Some examples of gaslighting are when someone sensationalizes a benign event for maximum effect, twists the truth, says something and then pretends they never said it, uses your insecurities to make you feel bad about yourself, or flat out makes up lies and presents them as facts.  This can be really frustrating because nobody likes to be falsly accused or misrepresented. Our first instinct when this happens is to defend ourselves. It may sound counterintuitive, but trying to defend yourself is the worst decision you can make in this situation.  A lot of advice out there about responding to, and dealing with gaslighting is well meaning, but unrealistic and ineffective in real life situations. For example, telling the gaslighter that "this is hurtful, please stop" will do nothing to stop them. They know it is hurtful. That is why they are doing it.  Below are some rea...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jekyll and Hyde

Image
It is not your imagination. Your children DO act differently with you than they do with their father! I saw this first hand recently when my daughter was hysterical about something. I'm talking full blown meltdown, screaming, and threatening to call her dad. I don't usually respond to these outbursts, but in this case I impulsively hit the call button and handed her the phone. She panicked and quickly ended the call, and went back to being hysterical....but then everything changed when he called back. Within a SECOND her entire demeanor changed from hysterical level 9 drama to completely calm, quiet, and collected. Not a tear in sight!!! "Why did you call?", he asked suspiciously (he hardly speaks to the children when they are with me). "Uhh, I just called to say hi", she said casually.  I sat there in shock with my mouth agape, smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand and internally screaming. I couldn't understand how she went from hysterical, cry...
1 comment
Read more

Why Doesn't Anybody Believe Me?!

Image
Does it ever feel like nobody believes you when you talk about your abuse or your trauma? Or that judges, lawyers, and CPS go so far as to get angry with you and call you a liar when you bring up Non-physical abuse?!  There is actually a scientific explanation for this. It's called Processing Fluency . If something is difficult for us to process, we are less likely to believe it. In some cases, our brains might just completely reject the idea and come up with justifications for why it is false. In other  words, something can seem so foreign to us, that we are literally incapable of wrapping our minds around it. This can be extremely harmful when child custody comes into play. I get this a lot when I talk about my custody battle. People are really hesitant to believe me because they don't want to believe something that seems too crazy to be true. I used to get really frustrated, but it doesn't bother me so much anymore because I understand that it's nothing...
Post a Comment
Read more

How Often Do I See My Kids?

Image
Many people have asked me what my parenting schedule looks like as a non-custodial parent, so here it is.  July represents a typical month for us.  Blue days are days the kids are with dad, and pink days they are with mom. Half blue/half pink are days that we switch. The AM switch usually happens at 9am or whenever school starts, and PM switch happens at 3pm, 4pm, or 6pm, depending on the kids schedule. Holidays and summer vacation (the time between school and camp) are split 50/50, alternate year to year and supercede regular visitation.  There are months where I get my kids for almost the entire month (like in August):  and there are months where I hardly see my kids (like in June): In a 28 day period, my schedule would be considered a 43/57 schedule. The residential custodial parent is the parent that the kids live with 51% of the time. This breakdown gives dad residential custody.  There are major perks for having 51% cust...
Post a Comment
Read more

How To Speak To A Bully

Image
I'm a huge fan of the Grey Rock method, but sometimes you need to be direct and flat out say what behavior you would like to see be done differently. The method below works on children and ex-spouses who act like children. However, doing this is treading a thin line. If you don't choose your words carefully, you can make an already hostile person even more hostile. The key here is to criticize specific behavior, and not the person doing it. For example, instead of calling someone a jerk, or a narcissist, or a POS, say something like "don't speak to me in that tone of voice" or "don't call me that" or "I don't appreciate being threatened". Addressing the behavior directly will give them much less wiggle room if they're the type to gaslight you, or invalidate everything you say. Criticizes them personally (ie saying "you're such a jerk!") will also make them defensive,  and doesn't specify how you woul...
Post a Comment
Read more