Amazing Mothers Without Custody

  Hey, You. I often get asked how to stop an ex who is stalking someone, or to help prove that someone was hacked, or is being tracked. I used to do it, but after a while I realized something. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Here's the thing, an obsessed ex who is determined to get access to you will: *Be able to see everything you post on the internet, regardless of your privacy settings. *Be able to know where you are at all times. *Know who you are dating, who your friends are, and know more about them than you do. *Have your schedule memorized. *Gain access to your financial information. *Gain access to your medical records. *Gain access to your email and social media accounts. *Know the layout of your house or apartment, and the vulnerabilities of every entry point. They WILL get in if they want to. *Hire private detectives to find information about you and have you followed. *Send people to pretend to be your friends, gain your trust, and feed him informatio...

I learned something very interesting from a business coach and I couldn't help compare it to the position non-custodial parents are put in. She said that when people begin to feel insignificant in their job, they begin to feel a lack of motivation to even wake up in the morning. They don't leave jobs because the job is too hard, they leave because the job has left them empty, and it's no longer worth it.  Non-custodial parents are often left with zero obligation (notwithstanding financially) or parental autonomy. Sometimes they can't take their kids to the doctor. Sometimes they can't do anything with their kids without permission or supervision.  In order for people to feel pride in their work, they need to feel like their input matters. They need to feel like their work is productive and fruitful. They need to find meaning in their work.  Giving one parent custody, usually means releasing the other parent of any autonomy or responsibility whatsoever. When you redu...

  Ohhh, I get it. A contentious ex will often use gaslighting to get you upset and push your buttons. Some examples of gaslighting are when someone sensationalizes a benign event for maximum effect, twists the truth, says something and then pretends they never said it, uses your insecurities to make you feel bad about yourself, or flat out makes up lies and presents them as facts.  This can be really frustrating because nobody likes to be falsly accused or misrepresented. Our first instinct when this happens is to defend ourselves. It may sound counterintuitive, but trying to defend yourself is the worst decision you can make in this situation.  A lot of advice out there about responding to, and dealing with gaslighting is well meaning, but unrealistic and ineffective in real life situations. For example, telling the gaslighter that "this is hurtful, please stop" will do nothing to stop them. They know it is hurtful. That is why they are doing it.  Below are some rea...

It is not your imagination. Your children DO act differently with you than they do with their father! I saw this first hand recently when my daughter was hysterical about something. I'm talking full blown meltdown, screaming, and threatening to call her dad. I don't usually respond to these outbursts, but in this case I impulsively hit the call button and handed her the phone. She panicked and quickly ended the call, and went back to being hysterical....but then everything changed when he called back. Within a SECOND her entire demeanor changed from hysterical level 9 drama to completely calm, quiet, and collected. Not a tear in sight!!! "Why did you call?", he asked suspiciously (he hardly speaks to the children when they are with me). "Uhh, I just called to say hi", she said casually.  I sat there in shock with my mouth agape, smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand and internally screaming. I couldn't understand how she went from hysterical, cry...

Does it ever feel like nobody believes you when you talk about your abuse or your trauma? Or that judges, lawyers, and CPS go so far as to get angry with you and call you a liar when you bring up Non-physical abuse?!  There is actually a scientific explanation for this. It's called Processing Fluency . If something is difficult for us to process, we are less likely to believe it. In some cases, our brains might just completely reject the idea and come up with justifications for why it is false. In other  words, something can seem so foreign to us, that we are literally incapable of wrapping our minds around it. This can be extremely harmful when child custody comes into play. I get this a lot when I talk about my custody battle. People are really hesitant to believe me because they don't want to believe something that seems too crazy to be true. I used to get really frustrated, but it doesn't bother me so much anymore because I understand that it's nothing...

Many people have asked me what my parenting schedule looks like as a non-custodial parent, so here it is.  July represents a typical month for us.  Blue days are days the kids are with dad, and pink days they are with mom. Half blue/half pink are days that we switch. The AM switch usually happens at 9am or whenever school starts, and PM switch happens at 3pm, 4pm, or 6pm, depending on the kids schedule. Holidays and summer vacation (the time between school and camp) are split 50/50, alternate year to year and supercede regular visitation.  There are months where I get my kids for almost the entire month (like in August):  and there are months where I hardly see my kids (like in June): In a 28 day period, my schedule would be considered a 43/57 schedule. The residential custodial parent is the parent that the kids live with 51% of the time. This breakdown gives dad residential custody.  There are major perks for having 51% cust...

I'm a huge fan of the Grey Rock method, but sometimes you need to be direct and flat out say what behavior you would like to see be done differently. The method below works on children and ex-spouses who act like children. However, doing this is treading a thin line. If you don't choose your words carefully, you can make an already hostile person even more hostile. The key here is to criticize specific behavior, and not the person doing it. For example, instead of calling someone a jerk, or a narcissist, or a POS, say something like "don't speak to me in that tone of voice" or "don't call me that" or "I don't appreciate being threatened". Addressing the behavior directly will give them much less wiggle room if they're the type to gaslight you, or invalidate everything you say. Criticizes them personally (ie saying "you're such a jerk!") will also make them defensive,  and doesn't specify how you woul...

You used to be a totally normal woman, but then you were hit with the most difficult and painful thing that ever happened to you. You didn't know how to deal. You broke down. You were accused of being crazy. It made you crazy. You're now feeling kind of broken. Congratulations, you are now part of the Custody Battle PTSD Club. Here are some of the psychological disorders that you may now possess, that you didn't possess before: Anxiety :   You can't stop worrying about everything. What's coming next? Am I going to lose everything? Will my kids hate me? How am I going to pay for this? Why is nobody listening to me?!  Panic Attacks:   This one is dark. You're overwhelmed with emotions and you can't. Stop. Crying. Your throat feels like it's closing up. Your stomach hurts. The tears roll down your cheeks uncontrollably. You start to hyperventilate. You can't make it stop!!!! Paranoia : Is that car following me? Is she really my friend or is ...

You have to understand one thing about your mother-in-law. She will always, ALWAYS, choose her son's side over yours. It's nothing personal. Even if he hurt you. Even if she disagrees with him. He's her baby. Her allegiance is to him.  My ex-MIL is a fantastic woman. My daughter was named after her. She's an accomplished artist and has many talents. We got very close during my marriage. However, the relationship abruptly ended when I filed for divorce. I saw her in court once and she couldn't look me in the eye.  She's let me into her house once in the last 5 years under the guise of secrecy, and gave me a container of food for dinner. I started to send her pictures of the kids and even called her on video chat when the kids were with me to say hello. I thought the relationship was improving, but once my ex and I started arguing again, my contact with her ceased. This past Purim (a Jewish holiday) I had the kids and was tempted to visit her house and...

Were you accused of being crazy during your custody battle? Were you accused of doing drugs? Were you accused of being a danger to your children? Were you accused of being physically abusive?  Did you have a restraining order taken out against you? Were you arrested for 'violating' a restraining order? Were you accused of parental alienation? Guess what, this is par for the course of every contentious custody battle. Anything can be taken and sensationalized and blown out of proportion.  This is the reality of family court. You are not alone.

  It is extremely important to mitigate your expectations while dealing with a contentious custody battle. Just as you cannot get to the top of Mount Everest with one step, you cannot undue years of legal issues in a day. It takes time and baby steps to change your legal status. I learned this early on in my custody battle. In the early stages of my custody battle, my ex and I unsuccessfully tried establishing a visitation schedule. He wanted the children every other night but I refused to allow our children to commute every other night. After much back and forth, we finally settled on him getting every weekend. I was assured by my lawyer that this would be easily reversible and temporary. When I realized it wasn't working, I asked my lawyer to change the schedule. He told me we would need to file a motion to do this. I had to pay my lawyer an additional $2500 to file this motion, only to be told in court that there is no reason to change it. I ended up having to give up 4 Wednesd...

This is a picture of my son clinging to me as I prepare lunch. He is having classes on Zoom today. He constantly needs to touch me in some way, whether it's touching my face as he talks to me or being stuck to me like glue while I cook. He is a well behaved, calm, articulate and sweet child, and he is flourishing in his academic studies. A year ago this was not the case. A year ago, he was angry, aggressive, emotionally dysregulated, and bouncing off the walls. He was also failing in school. So what changed? The short answer is; the Covid-19 pandemic.  In March 2020, the kids came home from school and did not return for months. We didn't leave the house. We didn't see other people. Their father and I conducted exchanges based on the school calendar, but instead of going to school, they came home. Suddenly, we spent copious amounts of quality time together. Quality time that we had not had since he was 2 years old.  His father and I split when he was 13 months old. We unsucc...

This article in the UK Mirror makes me really angry. It's written by a mother who writes "I can't stand to be around my nine-year-old daughter - I avoid her at all costs" because she doesn't like who her daughter is. Hey lady, guess what? You did that. I believe that a child's personality is molded by the parent or caregiver. If you have a rotten kid, it's YOUR own fault. YOU, your parenting, your behavior, and your attitude is the reason your child is the way they are. Your child's negative traits are a direct reflection of your own failure. Some non-custodial parents do not have enough physical time with their children, and that makes it harder to influence their behavior, but it is still possible to do it from afar. As a mentor to troubled teen girls, I can attest to that. Even a small dose of good influence and guidance can go a long way to shape a child. A parent has 2 jobs when raising children. The first, is to keep them alive- the basic physio...

Unpopular opinion: Babies under the age of 12 months should primarily be with the mom and do not need overnight visits with dad. It literally makes no difference for them if they spend X amount of time with dad, because even a few hours a day with dad is sufficient for them at that point of development. On the Maslow hierarchy of needs, babies only need food, warmth, someone to change them, hold them, and lots of sleep. They don't need overnights with dad on order to develop.  When they start walking around and forming social connections, then you can start talking about overnights. Even before 12 months, overnights are still fine once in a while, but consistent scheduled overnights are just not necessary.  What a baby under the age of 12 months primarily needs is it's mother. It needs that skin to skin contact. It needs those mommy pheromones. It does something for their physical, psychological and emotional development that science doesn't fully yet comprehend...

Let's get real, most custody battles are not about the best interest of the child, and in *most* cases both parents are fit to parent. Most of the time, it's two angry people fighting each other for power or using the kids as weapons. The courts don't help, as they incentivize parents to fight through a winner takes all model. Suddenly, these angry people are empowered to hurt each other, and are so blinded with hatred that they lose sight of the fact that the weapons they are fighting with are the innocent children caught in the middle. How do you solve this problem? Take away the incentives.  I hear from a lot of mothers that the father did not go after her for custody until she filed for child support. Men HATE to feel like they are giving a woman a blank check to do with as she pleases. It burns them up inside.  Realistically, that money is most likely going to expenses surrounding the child, but all the men see is that blank check, and they go nuts. One s...

There are 2 types of men in this world. Men who are willing to destroy a woman because she wronged him, and men who are not. I've talked to men who had information that could ruin their ex-wife and bury her, but they didn't use it. Why? Because they didn't want to harm the mother of their children. Every time this conversation happened, I couldn't help but compare it to my own situation. My ex nearly destroyed me. If the custody battle had happened at any other point, he wouldn't have stood a chance in hell at winning. Quit frankly, I'm Supermom. However, at the time of the custody battle I was going through a hard time. The universe handed him his case on a silver platter, and he made the decision in how he would proceed. He knew I was in a bad state, and fully exploited it.  The custody battle happened at a time when I was going through very bad postpartum depression with my 2nd child, and I hadn't fully recovered from my first bout of it wit...

It is a myth that you can't raise successful children in a divorce without co-parenting. It's completely possible, it just takes a little more of an effort. My children's father and I are the poster couple for parents who love their kids more than we hate each other. We cannot get along, and that makes it impossible to co-parent effectively. Instead of co-parenting, we both invest as much of ourselves into our kids as humanly possible, and keep the kids out of the fighting.  This is how we do it: We don't co-parent, we just can't. Every single one of our discussions devolves into bickering, gaslighting and blame games. For that reason, we ONLY communicate through one medium- email. We don't talk in front of the kids, we don't talk on the phone, and we don't text. We never tried the parenting apps, but email works well for us. I'll only call him very rarely, and only when it's absolutely necessary. If one of us does something the other...

10 things I learned from being an advocate, that I wanted to share with people who are interested in advocacy: 1) You have to focus on a specific niche. You can't spread yourself too thin by getting involved with every cause, because you'll burn out. The more specific you are, the more effective you can be in enacting change. 2) Decide if you want to concentrate on legal reform, social change, education, awareness, etc. You can't do it all. Everybody is good at something. Some people are better at social media, some people are better writers, and some have a talent with the spoken word. You need to figure out what you are good at and concentrate on that. 3) You need to be assertive, yet polite and professional. If you are too aggressive, or you curse, or dress like a bum, no one is going to take you seriously. People get turned off when someone is in their face. You need to find a good balance between passive and aggressive and constantly re-evaluate your approa...

Every time I see a mother asking for custody related advice or support on a Father's Rights page, I cringe. Would you go to a dentist for a heart attack? Ofcourse not. So why would you go to a forum inherently designed for fathers, and ask a mom related question?! Inevitably, there are always men in the comments who belittle or invalidate her for being on a father's forum. Don't get me wrong, I fully support TFRM and what they have done for fathers. However, I also believe that we are not equal and mothers do not really belong in TFRM. We can act as allies, but ultimately we need to let it be a boys club.  I do not believe in gender equality. It pisses me off to no end that society has tried to shove gender equality down our throats. Men and women are not the same, and that's OK!!! Our differences do not make either gender better or worse. They just make us different. We each excel in our own beautiful ways. We are all capable of achieving the same goals, w...

I learned a new phrase this morning. It's called "coercive settlement". What I'm about to say is 100% factual, or else I could get into legal trouble. On the day that I settled, I was basically forced to sign a biased, extremely one-sided agreement. It was our last pre-trial hearing. To her credit, the Judge was AMAZING and she stepped off her bench to try to get us to compromise. We were both seeking full custody, but to compromise I offered 50/50 custody. He would not budge on full custody. The Judge got fed up and told us to pick trial dates. I didn't want to go to trial. I had no money left, my hair was falling out from stress, and I'd developed an ulcer. I was done. I just wanted to be put out of my misery. I spoke up and begged the Judge to let the father have one more day a week to give him the residential custosy, thereby ending the nightmare. She paused for a moment, and agreed. His side erupted with protest. My lawyer was fuming, as I...